What a BuzzKill

I’ve been there before; standing in line at the food bank because I couldn’t afford to buy it for myself. This wasn’t the worst of it, as food is just a necessity - you do what you need to do in order to survive and provide food for you and your family. What it really hit hardest was to my self esteem, my pride, my feeling of being worth something. More than anything, I was ashamed.

It hadn’t always been like this. There hadn’t been a time in my life when I wasn’t working. I had always had a job since I was 15, working at Santa’s Village, and sometimes 2 jobs. Suddenly losing my job, then our car, and ultimately our apartment was a major blow - and one that came out of nowhere. I was left reeling from these events and fell into a depression, which didn’t help the situation.

We moved into a motel and I became a miserable person - not only to myself, but to my wife and son, too. To make matters worse, I came down with gall stones… a painful and sometimes unpredictable affliction that causes excruciating pain. Without a job and without insurance, I was forced to visit emergency rooms, who could do little more than confirm my problem and provide me with limited relief via pills. One thing I’m thankful for during this time was that I was paranoid of addiction to the painkillers, so I was reluctant to take them until I could no longer cope with the pain - and only then take just enough to get me through it.

Eventually my gall bladder got to the point where it was life-threatening, so the hospital had no choice but to remove it. The ER visits, the hospital stay(s), and the surgery ultimately left us with an insurmountable debt - above and beyond what we were already dealing with. I felt hopeless about ever getting out of this situation.

This stage of my life lasted only 8 months, but it felt like years. Living in a run-down motel room, with boxes of our possessions lining the walls, a mini refrigerator, and a hot plate to cook with. I was fortunate enough to have a car, but having enough gas to just get around for necessities often proved a challenge. After a couple of months, I managed to pull a favor from an old boss I had and got a job waiting tables (part time). That was what ultimately pulled me out of the situation I had stumbled into.

Luck for me, during my time waiting tables again, a young gal started working the same sift as me. She was working nights waiting tables to earn some extra money for the holidays. A couple of months went by and she noticed my ability with computers, which prompted her to helping me get my current job. I’ll always be grateful for her help.

There was a lot of personal growth for me, coming out of all of this and getting to where I am now. It showed me a lot of how the world works and how easy it can be to get blind-sided by something that causes a sudden downward spiral. It has ultimately led to me taking life less seriously and to enjoy every day more. There’s less focus in my life on material things and more about spending time with the people I care about. I’m working on creating a financial cushion so I’m not having to worry month-to-month about my employment.

Now I find myself in a pretty good job, making a enough for a decent living for me and my son. It feels good, but the fear of going back to that food line has seemed to paralyze me into trying for something better. Where I would have jumped at better opportunities prior to the hell I went through, now I’m more bent on security and not chancing going back through any of it again.

Is it maturity? Is it fear? Is it a mix of both? I don’t know, but this is something that’s been on my mind recently.

Thanks for listening!

This entry doesn’t want to live like that again.

Why is it that it would be perfectly acceptable to hear a father say “I know more than 101 ways to kill a person” or “I own a gun” to a daughter’s boyfriend, but if said to a son’s girlfriend it might cause some serious legal woes?

This entry finds society’s norms rather restrictive.

People do the strangest things. I know I’m guilty of needlessly adding stress to my own life. I came by this blog post about the topic. Check it out and see if any of it applies to you and maybe you can figure out a way to reduce the stress in your own life.

This entry dislikes stress.

Darkness comes.

The deepening wall of nothingness surrounds all as the ball of fire falls into the sea.

Watching, waiting, wanting.

Hunger of a nocturnal nature takes me. It comes from within the black recesses of my mind.

Hidden, unknown, yearning.

Sloshing about in the midnight sea. Bottle to lips. Mind spins. Appetite strong and focus dim.

Where does it go when light springs forth? It slips away during dreams not remembered at dawn’s awakening.

Forgotten until the dark canvas of night returns.

This entry…

One of the things I find annoying when I actually force myself to go out shopping is for the place I’m purchasing goods from to insult me by insinuating that I’m a thief. No, they don’t ever come out and blatantly say it, but by asking to see my receipt and look in my bags that’s how I’m being treated. I bought these items and they are now my property. I am not keen on having to wait in line to get out of a store after already having had waited in line to buy something just because the business assumes that all of their customers are thieves and wishes to insult them by treating them as such.

This type of behavior is a violation of my privacy. I’d no more show these people the contents of my wallet as much as most women would allow a stranger to search through their purses. Yet time and again, businesses try to do so. If I signed a contract to do business with the company, then I don’t have a problem with it … Costco comes to mind.

With the holiday shopping season in full swing, I’m hoping that others do the same as I do: simply say, “No thank you” and continue walking past these receipt/bag checkers on their way out. They have no business snooping through your belongings, so why should you let them?

The reason I bring this up is that I read an article today that does a good job of articulating my point of view on the subject. Heck, and in the process I came across two other people that blogged about this very subject.

This entry doesn’t appreciate being treated as a
criminal simply for being a customer!

This guy’s site makes a lot of sense and some of it is the same stuff that I’ve thought about as well. My commute, if one could even call it that, is under 10 minutes from home to work. This information probably won’t do me much good, but I found it fascinating.

This post wants more people to become “antitraffic” drivers!

If the information this guy goes over is correct, then some serious changes need to happen regarding immigration in the U.S. Heck, even if he’s 1/2 correct, the numbers are staggering!

This entry has nothing against immigrants, but understands there
should be a limit to how many come into this country.

If this guy is right, then there’s some hullabaloo going on in the ranks of folks supporting the global warming theory. This is some strong evidence that the math just doesn’t add up - and my friends know all about how I’m always doing the math!

Anywho, I found the article very interesting and hopefully it’s accurate.

This entry still doesn’t think that the sky is falling. Ouch!

Now listening to: 39 - The Cure

For the last couple of days I’ve been in the mood to listen to The Cure. I have over 10.5 hours worth of it, so I just play it on shuffle and let it go.

It’s been a rather stressful week, I must say. A good portion of it is self-inflicted, which doesn’t help with my mood much.

Christine talked with me for awhile last night and helped me work through some of it. While I’m still a bit worried about some things, I think that things are going to be a lot less trouble than I’ve worked them up to be in my mind.

I read an article today that made me ponder. It’s about how the Earth will eventually recover from our presence. It fit into my gloomy view rather well, I must say.

This entry realizes that we’re just a tiny blip in the span of time.

This morning I decided to stop by Del Taco to pick up 2 breakfast burritos (with French fries inside) and a Macho-sized Diet Coke. I brought these items to work and ate at my desk. I then decided to take a vitamin - washed down by the Diet Coke. What’s wrong with this scenario?

This entry is only half-assed healthy.