What a BuzzKill

Some things I’ve learned over the last couple of months:

• Never give a Vietnamese guy a piece of candy unless you want to hear him smacking it loudly in his mouth for 10 minutes.
• The magic number to to say to women when they ask you how old you think they look is 23.
• Don’t trust the timer on the bathroom light, if the lights were on when you came in … unless you want to crap in the dark.
• Sunscreen doesn’t magically spread over your entire body when you apply it in under a minute.
• Always take the time to stop for a moment to enjoy the view when driving along the coast.

This entry likes to view the ocean.

What happens when a guy gets the wheels stolen off his bike and it’s all caught on (multiple) security cameras? Why make up a song and video about it!

This entry can relate.

This is touted as being the best 5-second video on the Internet. I don’t know what else to say…

Friday was my last day at Orange County United Way. In lieu of a mushy goodbye email, I decided to send out something a little more my style. Here’s what I sent to staff:

Well as it turns out, the Simian Protection Society caught on to our recent monkey problems and have decided to press charges against us for the attempted starvation of an Internet monkey. Seeing how it was my idea in the first place, I took full responsibility. They decided that this was fair and I will now serve as their scapegoat to further their anti-broccoli (with cheese sauce) propaganda. Of course this means that I can no longer remain here with you without putting you all in risk of great peril. I do this for the benefit of all those at OCUW and their respective family and pets.Cry not for me and continue carrying the flag of honor high in my stead! For you all are the chosen ones. The elite masters of the nonprofit world. Higher you shall climb until you all reach a level of greatness usually reserved for biblical figures and polka music. Remember the wise words of the great amnesiac as he said, “I did what?” and toss back a couple pints of your finest ale!

This is not a “goodbye” … it is merely a “what were you drinking?” combined with a little “go get ‘em and break-dance”.

I have to say, that’s pretty odd, even for me.

This entry is too strange for words.

Gabe: Rece, you rock.

Rece: No, you rock.

G: Yeah, but I’m a sedimentary rock.

R: Are you trying to say that you’re flat?

G: No, I’m just saying that I have multiple layers.

This entry thought it was funny at the time.

Rece and I went shopping (GASP!) to pick up some clothes so we could walk around in a manner acceptable to most members of society (i.e. not nude).

I got some pants and picked up some shirts and I held one up to Rece asking, “What do you think of this one?”

“Looks like something granddad would wear,” he replied.

Guess which shirt I didn’t buy…

This entry hates shopping.

Found this excellent mock trailer for When Harry Met Sally remixed/recut to make it look like a thriller instead of a romantic comedy.

This entry would be proud to partake of your pecan pie.

We received an email at the office from the CFO with a subject line of “Atari”. I about fell out of my chair upon reading it and felt it deserved to be shared…

“Atari is Japanese for “prepared to be attacked”I would like to forewarn you that while you may not hear it, there is something whispering “Atari“ from inside the refrigerator: I know, because I nearly lost my right arm just a moment ago.

Can we please work together to ensure that the items in the community refrigerator remain fresh and limited in their stay here. Right now, I am expecting DreamWorks’ next horror film to be about what is growing in the white box in the copier room.

Thank you”

This entry was pleasantly surprised.

It isn’t because they don’t exist. It isn’t because they can’t travel to us. It’s because we’re made of meat.

This entry likes communicating by squirting air through its meat.

Why is it that it would be perfectly acceptable to hear a father say “I know more than 101 ways to kill a person” or “I own a gun” to a daughter’s boyfriend, but if said to a son’s girlfriend it might cause some serious legal woes?

This entry finds society’s norms rather restrictive.